During some of the pre-race stuff, Dick Berggren looked out of place and really strange with a cowboy hat perched above his headset. Hollywood Hambone looked right at home in his hat. He was the butt of several jokes about goat roping, which was sort of funny considering the people making fun of him are part of the biggest goat rope around. But something Hambone needs to remember is to remove his hat in the presence of a lady. While showing various parts of the track, you could clearly see the back grandstands were pretty empty. Considering those stands hold 30,000 plus people, there may have been a couple hundred maybe.
One comment from Hambone was regarding the accident during qualifying in which the Double Nothing car came from together after hitting the wall at full speed. He said “NA$CAR is working on safety every day”. Well, if they’re working on safety every day, why did it take so long for them to implement things like fuel cells, fire suits, inner liners, SAFER barriers, fire extinguishers, full faced helmets, and the HANS device? All these things were implemented after the death of one of the sport’s legends and not beforehand.
Always the corporate shill, the “lady” in the booth was plugging away for that damned goofy cam shirt and the DW store.
It was good to see they brought in the 1st Cav from Ft Hood to present the colors. During several of the weekend race shows, they were remembering Max Helton, the founder of MRO. They had a moment of silence for him during the Invocation before it went into being an infomercial.
It was great to hear a military band doing the National Anthem. I’ll have to give Eddie Gossage two thumbs up for that. They had a good shot of Jeff and Kim Burton with their hands over their hearts during the playing of the National Anthem. But they also showed Ryan Newman, Dave Blaney, Mr. Happy, Bill Elliott, Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, and Bobby Labonte. None of whom had their hands over their hearts to show the proper respects to the National Anthem and the flag.
Before they got to the green flag, they showed Robby Reiser playing crew chief for Cousin Carl while Bob Osborne is still on suspension. Dale Jr. was on the pole with Cousin Carl sitting on the outside. During the weekend and pre-race shows, drivers were picking Cousin Carl to be the one to beat. Of course, we know who DW picked, but instead he decided to talk to Carl. I had to laugh when Carl said to old Jabber Jaws, “Don’t butter me up. I heard you already picked Dale Jr. to win”. Score one for Carl.
During the parade lap, the shilling was starting from the Commentating Clowns when Larry Mac started in about fuel mileage and mentioning the brand. Once the green flag dropped, Jr. was able to keep the lead and lead the 1st lap. And we didn’t have to wait long for the cheerleading for the Hendrick teams to start from Jabber Jaws. It gets awfully old awfully fast. Jr. Cousin Carl, Shrub, and Johnson were pulling away from the rest of the field. And as usual with the Uni-Car, whoever got up front was pretty much able to stay up there. Kyle Busch was complaining early on about no front grip. O Lap 7, Greg Biffle got by Montoya. On Lap 8, Hamlin got by Newman for 8th. By lap 10, you could see Edwards and Shrub trying to run down Jr. They’d catch up to him in the corners but he’d pull away on the straights. On Lap 11, you could see just how empty the back grandstands were. They had sections 214-230 and 314-330 covered with advertising banners and there weren’t many fans visible in the remainder of what was open back there.
On Lap 13, Kyle Busch had moved up to second, getting by Cousin Carl and it was off to commercial programming til Lap 19. When they came back, we found out that Shrub had passed Jr. for the lead. The Network Nitwits made mention of the fact that the infield was full. That’s about 53,000 people if it was full. Scott Riggs had problems early on with a vibration and had to pit. Apparently, somebody didn’t follow the pre-race checklist to well as he had loose lug nuts. Scott had qualified 13th and went 1 lap down because of that stop. So far, most of the coverage showed between 1-3 cars. There are supposed to be 43 cars?
On Lap 24, Robby Gordon was running the high side which elicited comments from the Booth Buffoons about it being too early to run up there. Robby would run up there for most of the race. By Lap 25, Jeff Gordon was running back in 34th. His big complaint was being tight off of Turn #2. This had been mentioned as a trouble spot during practice, qualifying, and once again during the pre-race by the Booth Buffoons and reinforced once again. We got a good overhead shot which showed just how empty the front and back grandstands really were. On Lap 29, we got the 1st caution brought out when Mikey spun by himself. Of course, in order to divert attention from who spun, Jabber Jaws said “You can spin this car out and not damage it”. That seems to go against what he had said at Atlanta about not being able to spin out the Uni-Car. The Double Nothing car got the free pass. Once again we saw Robby Reiser on the pit box before the cars pitted. Once they showed the Top 10 off of pit road, it was time to go back to commercial programming. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 33, we heard the Booth Buffoons proudly announce there were 180,000 plus fans there. Well, let’s see here. NA$CAR.com and ESPN.com said there’s 159,000 plus seats there. And if the back stretch holds 30,000 plus and it was nowhere near full, plus all the empty seats which could be seen on the front grandstands, you have to wonder if there were really 180,000 fans there.
Once the restarted, the 1st three cars one again pulled away from the pack. On Lap 41, Biffle got around Kasey Kahne for 5th. The on Lap 43, Kenseth got around Kahne. Plus we also got a graphic showing where the Roush cars were running. We got to hear an in-car audio from Kenseth saying he needed some front grip and that he was “roasting his right rear tire”. I’m not sure what was funny about that, but apparently the Booth Buffoons thought it was humorous and were poking fun at Kenseth over his remark. Then it was time to return to commercial programming on Lap 45.
When they interrupted the commercials again, they were on Lap 52. Jimmie Johnson had passed Jr. while they were at commercial. Jeff Gordon had advanced 2 spots to 32nd. The Commentating Clowns were talking about Jeff and his move to 32nd on Lap 54 when he was passed by Robby Gordon who had been in 34th. This brought up a question from one of the unknowing in the booth about how one car can be so good and why another could be so bad and both be from the same shop. The obvious implication was why Johnson was running so well and Gordon was running so badly.
On Lap 57, we got a Top 10 rundown with Johnson Leading, Shrub in 2nd, Cousin Carl in 3rd and Biffle in 4th. Jabber Jaws made a Master of the Obvious statement about how Jr’s car faded during the long green flag runs. Another statement I had to chuckle at was when Jabber Jaws said that the cars got tighter when someone was behind you. Uh DW, I think that’s called an aero problem, something that was supposed to be eliminated by the design of the Uni-Car according to the Royal Ministry of Propaganda. Since we had seen some racing action, it was once again time to return to commercial on Lap 60.
When the commercials were interrupted on Lap 65, they went to the Hollyweird Motel to show what was supposed to be a gourmet meal cooked by one of the Iron Chefs. Gourmet food is all well and good, but they’re in Texas where BBQ and steak rule. By Lap 69, there was worry in Jabber Jaws voice when Jimmie Johnson was closing in on his teammate Gordon. Then the next Lap, Johnson lapped him. DW made a comment about how they’re usually running nose and tail, but not like this. I had to chuckle when Mike Joy said there were no white hats or black hats in this sport. Most fans view the officials and the NA$CAR brass as being the black hats and certain makes of cars and drivers. The white hats are viewed by fans as their favorite drivers. So there are black hats and white hats in the sport. Then it was off to more commercials on Lap 74.
When the commercials were interrupted on Lap 74, the cars were starting to make green flag pit stops. Hamlin was the first to pit. Bobby Labonte came in on Lap 81. Kenseth was complaining about needing front end grip when he came in on Lap 82. Then by Lap 83, everybody and there cousin were making pit stops. On Lap 85, Jr. had gotten the lead off of the pit stops. By Lap 86, Johnson had passed him and it was back to commercial once again. When they interrupted the commercial programming, it was at Lap 93. Jabber jaws was complaining about Jr’s pit stop and the other Network Nitwits chimed in offering up excuses on why it went wrong. Everyone had bad pit stops. So why don’t we get excuses made up for them there Jabber Jaws and company?
In another moment of “clarity”, the Commentating Clowns were talking about racing but the camera was showing the commitment cone. Great coverage of the race there guys. On Lap 99, Elliott Sadler though his engine was going south. Instead, it turned out to be an ignition box going bad. On Lap 107, Kenseth got by Shrub for 3rd and since we had seen a pass, it was time to return to commercials. While they were away at commercial, Caution #2 came out. Jeff Gordon had been complaining about barely hanging on and finally spun out. So he went back to the garage area and the team was making major changes to the springs and shocks and anything else they could think of. They decided to use the rest of the race as a test session.
We were interrupted from what was going on with a Face Break from the Hollyweird Motel. When they restarted on Lap 114, there were 22 cars on the lead lap. The nice thing about this restart was it was the “Crank It Up” segment; the lovely sound of race engines and no blabbering Commentating Clowns. Then the sweet sounds of racing motors were once again rudely interrupted by the yammering of the Booth Buffoons. On Lap 118, they threw up (literally) a Ford Move graphic which took up half the screen so you couldn’t really see what was happening on the track. Then it was back to commercials again on Lap 125.
When they came back, we had missed Caution #3 and had to be shown on replay why we had the caution. Robby Gordon had rubbed the wall like he had previously which hadn’t brought out a caution. During the pit stops, we got to hear Larry Mac once again be a corporate shill for the fuel provider. When they came off of pit road, Kenseth was leading, Johnson in 2nd, Jr. in 3rd, Shrub in 4th, and Hamlin in 5th. Then it was a return to commercial programming on Lap 133. When they interrupted the commercials yet again, it was just in time to catch the restart on Lap 137. On Lap 141, the Booth Buffoons were offering up excuses as to why Montoya, the Diversity Program Poster Boy, was holding up the Shrub and Jr., who had much faster cars. Then they were talking about a great battle for 16th. Well, they showed David Gilliland’s car by itself. If this was a great battle, I’d hate to see an al-out brawl. Maybe 2 cars? We were in the usual 1-3 car coverage which dominates the usual Foxed up coverage. On Lap 148, Cousin Carl got by Hamlin for 5th. Then on Lap 150, both Cousin Carl and Hamlin passed Jr. And since had had seen
some actual racing and passes, it was once again time to go to commercial on Lap 154.
When the commercials were rudely interrupted on Lap 162, we got another shill for the goofy cam shirt. As it had been staying green, the cars had pretty much strung themselves out into single file racing except when the fanned out to different grooves in the corners. We got a Top 20 rundown on Lap 168 and then it was back to commercials yet again. When they returned on Lap 173, I noticed that the lap counter number didn’t match the number of the lap on the graphic of when they went to commercial. There was a lap difference.
Meanwhile, in the Hollyweird Motel, Myers the Mouth was yammering away about something insignificant when the #96 car spun across the track and wrecked bringing out Caution #4. They had to go to replay to show it. It looked like a hard hit, but nothing like what the Double Nothing car had done in qualifying. Then it was time for pit stops and back to commercial programming.
They interrupted the commercials in time to catch the restart on Lap 156. As there were only 24 cars on the lead lap, it was a double file restart. When they restarted they didn’t get very far before the lead changed. Montoya, who was a lap down, slid up the track forcing Kenseth out of the outside lane allowing Busch to take the lead. Kenseth dropped back to 5th place. Of course, since this was the Diversity Program Poster Boy, Larry Mac and DW had to offer up excuses for his actions. On Lap 185, there was a comment about the Childress running order. Then we got to see a little bit, very little, of the beating and banging going on between The Beak and Hornish. From what the Booth Buffoons said, this had been going on for a while. It sure would’ve been nice if they’d shown more of it earlier.
On Lap 189, they threw up a Car Owner graphic which blocked half the screen. Two laps later, it was the Toyota Top Performers graphic blocking the screen. Then it was back to commercials. When they interrupted the commercials, it was Lap 196 and they still had 24 cars on the lead lap. I kept checking the clock to see how fast the race was going by. It looked like it was going to be over real early and they’d have to fill in a lot of time with post race interviews and yammering from the Booth Buffoons and Hollyweird Motel.
We got a 9 car split in which Jabber Jaws was comparing the way different drivers were steering their cars. This one’s old school, this one’s got problems look how he’s sawing on that wheel, this one’s young. This was all well and good, but they kept it up way to long and we missed what was going on around the track. But I forgot, we only get to see 12 cars anyways on most weekends. I had to check and see if hell had frozen over when Jabber Jaws actually criticized his little Junebug. He said that Jr. needed to give Eury Jr. better feedback. I almost fell out of my chair. Then it was back to commercial on Lap 212.
Sometime while they were at commercial, Cousin Carl had taken the lead. When they interrupted the commercials, it was on Lap 200. Jeff Gordon had returned to the track 108 laps down. Since we had gotten this handy tidbit of info, it was back to commercial on Lap 222. When they came back on Lap 228, teams were starting to make green flag pit stops. We got to see 4 laps of pit stops before they went back to commercial on Lap 233. When they returned, it was Lap 240. We found out that during the pit stops, Jeremy Mayfield had left the pits with a piece of equipment and was penalized. What the equipment was, the Booth Buffoons didn’t bother letting us know. Jeff Gordon returned to the garage but no reason was given as to why. I can only guess it was to do some more testing. On Lap 244, Biffle had to make an unscheduled pit stop for a wheel vibration. The Commentating Clowns were quick to blame it on somebody not tightening the lug nuts. God forbid it should be a problem with the Badyear tires. Even if it was, we wouldn’t hear about it until after the race.
On Lap 247, we got a Top 5 rundown and then back to commercial on Lap 250. One of the strange things was the new BK commercial talking about the “Breakfast of the Future”. I think they borrowed that from a certain car. When they returned on Lap 255, Biffle went out with an engine problem. You can bet the rest of the Roush teams were having some worries. On Lap 256, the Network Nitwits were once again talking about a great battle for 2nd . Battle? What battle? I sure didn’t see one. On Lap 258, Jabber Jaws asked “What the heck has happened to Jr.?”. I guess you weren’t cheerleading enough for him DW. You spent too much time cheerleading for the Toyotas and Jimmie Johnson. There wasn’t much being shown as the cars were running single file and 14 cars were on the lead lap. On Lap 259, Robby Reiser was telling Cousin Carl to save fuel. Somehow I get the feeling Robby was expecting a GWC finish and that he was on a very long fuel run. On Lap 261, Bowyer got by Kenseth for 5th place. Drivers were complaining that the cars were getting very loose as the track was heating up. It was a scorching 80 degrees in Ft Worth. On Lap 265, Cousin Carl had a 6.8 second lead over second and lapped Jr. Of course, since we saw Jr. get lapped, it was time to go to commercial.
When they returned on Lap 275, Cousin Carl had a 7 second lead. They had a shot of Robby Gordon still running high. The Booth Buffoons started in on making excuses for Badyear’s poor performance at Atlanta and said that Texas was faster than Atlanta. Mike Joy joined in saying that the tire construction and compound on the right side was different from the left side. Nothing unusual about that. Did he mean to say that Badyear has actually constructed a right side tire specifically for the Uni-car? Jabber Jaws had to opine some more about the tires on Lap 279. He said “You know when you don’t have any tire problems? When we don’t hear about them”. Gee DW, we’ve had problems with tires in the past that we didn’t hear about. We just saw them coming apart while you and your cohorts stayed silent about them.
On Lap 280, the first of the green flag stops took place with Mr. Happy hitting the pits first. Between Lap 281 and 283, the rest of the field pitted. They had a great shot of Shrub and Johnson fighting for 2nd and splitting Regan Smith. Johnson used Smith as a pick and got 2nd. Then we were back at commercial again on Lap 286. When they came back on Lap 293, there were 10 cars on the lead lap. I looked at the clock again to see just how fast the race was being run. Yep, lots of time to kill after the race. No sooner than I check the clock, Ms Terry DeBris appears out of nowhere on the back stretch where nobody was sitting. I heard she was wearing chaps, cowboy boots, and a 10 gallon hat but as we didn’t get to see her, I can’t be certain. One of the Booth Buffoons said there was still, a full house. Obviously he wasn’t looking at the blimp shots which showed a lot of empty seats.
The lead lap cars all pitted and we got some incoherent babbling from the Hollyweird Motel. The restarted on Lap 299. On Lap 301, Johnson got by the Shrub for 2nd. This lead to the usual Jabber Jaws cheerleading for Hendrick as per the Daytona Coverage Dictates. On Lap 304, DW said that the oil tank thing was over exaggerated. That sort of came out of the blue. Then on Lap 305, they were talking about Carl Edwards, Mark Martin, their fitness routines, and Carl’s bike being taped to the fence. On Lap 307, Hamlin passed Truex Jr. for 4th. Two laps later, Kenseth passed Truex Jr. And since we had seen some passing, it was time again for more commercials. The interrupted the commercials on Lap 312. For some reason, Truex Jr. was slowly sliding backwards. Then on Lap 314, we found out why. He broke a valve spring. It must’ve been one that was mixed up with one from one of Mikey’s Toyotas. They showed a shot from inside the car and you could see it was starting to get smoky in there. On Lap 320, we got some more single car coverage. First Cousin Carl, then Jimmie Johnson, and then Tony Stewart. On Lap 322, a graphic for Joe Gibb’s racing was thrown up. Seven laps later, Caution #7 came out when Truex Jr’s engine finally blew. Then the Booth Buffoons tried to make it sound more dramatic than it was by asking who was going to pit and who was going to stay out. As there were only 10 cars on the lead lap, it wouldn’t be too big of a choice. The first 5 cars stayed out while the last 5 pitted.
There had been a lot of various things said during the race trying to it into Texas, but the dumbest one came when they said “This is just like the gunfight at the OK Corral”. Say what? The OK Corral isn’t even in Texas. Then we got the second guessing and criticism of Matt Kenseth staying out. Jabber Jaws made a Master of the Obvious statement when he saw the #48 car down on the apron. “The 48 car’s down on the apron. I think fuel might be an issue”. Out of the pits, we got some more shilling for the fuel provider when Krista Voda asked if there was enough of the official fuel left in the 48. With the way the laps were winding down, you knew it was heading for a GWC finish. And of course, the Booth Buffoons were starting to gab about that. Despite seeing all the empty seats during the race, we had the Network Nitwits tell us that “There’s still a big crowd on hand. Look at that packed grandstand”. I guess Mr. Magoo must’ve been serving as spotter for Fox this week.
You could see John Andretti duck into the pits, but nobody bothered to mention this. They played a transmission from Chad Knaus saying “Remember, he hasn’t been very good on restarts”. Once they dropped the green flag, Cousin Carl pulled away from Johnson. From about 6th on back, they were going 2-3 wide. Cousin Carl managed to pull away a little more and you could hear old Jabber Jaws with sadness in his voice when he realized Johnson wasn’t going to catch Edwards. Cousin Carl crossed the finish line without blowing up or running out of fuel. He is the 2nd two time winner at Texas and this made Roush‘s 6th win at TMS and was Carl‘s 3rd win of the season. They played some of Carl’s in-car and he said “This is for Bob Osborne sitting at home”. Of course, DW couldn’t let things be. He had to get on the radio and say “I looked at the oil tank lid and it’s on”. DW said “I wonder if it’s too late to tell Carl I picked him to win”. Yeah, a little late Jabber Jaws, especially since you picked Jr. to win. They went back to some replay and showed the Hamlin and Bowyer getting together coming to the finish line.
When they got to Victory Lane, there was the Sprint girl once again standing in frame with a smile on her face and her hands on her hips serving absolutely no purpose. The Shrub came in 3rd and didn’t wreck anybody this week, Newman was 4th and hardly mentioned, Hamlin was 6th and Stewart 7th. Jamie McMurray finished 14th which should help keep him in the Top 25. All the Evernham cars finished 25th and back despite a good qualifying effort by Kahne. I’d sure like to be a fly on the wall at GEM this week. Once again, Texas continues to be one of the two tracks that Jeff Gordon hasn’t won at. They went back to the
Hollyweird Motel after some post-race interviews
and we had the finishing order, points standings
graphic, and the drivers close to the Top 35
cut-off and those below it to 40th place. Thanks
to Ms Terry Debris and the long clean-up from
Truex, they had to cut into the regularly
scheduled programming, which I’m sure upset a
few of the network’s affiliates.
Next week, it’s off to Phoenix for a night race.
You can bet your bottom dollar that there will be
plenty of cheerleading going on, coverage per
the Daytona Dictates, and only a dozen or so
cars being shown as usual. The field is a little
short (45) compared to last year (51). So It’ll be
interesting to see who goes home this week.
And a big thanks to the fine folks from my home state, the 192nd Medical Group of the Virginia Air National Guard deployed to Sather AB and the 447th Expeditionary Medical Squadron. Thanks for doing a great job in taking care of our troops and all who serve there.
Motherhood, Apple Pie, & John Wayne
Mad Mikie
Curmudgeon at Large
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