and Larry Mac was already being the shill for the official fuel and tires. Although we had a pronouncement from the Booth Buffoons of a sell-out, you could call the ticket office and they still had tickets for sale (Thanks for that one John). Once the green flag dropped, as has happened just about every race so far, the pole sitter took off and lead the first lap.
Then they were talking about Shrub and Carpentier running side by side for 5th. Once things sorted out a little, the first 5 cars were running single file. By the time Lap 10 was run, Carpentier’s Dodge had dropped back to 13th. Most cars were running the low line around the track. Stewart had moved up to 12th from his 15th place starting spot. By Lap 14, you could see Hamlin was slowly pulling away from Mark Martin's Chevy in 2nd. When they showed Jeff Gordon's Chevy and were talking about him having problems already, Mike Joy said “Gordon’s going to need frequent caution flags to keep in touch with the leader’s pace”. Then it was off to commercial on Lap 15.
When they returned on Lap 23, nothing had changed up front. Hamlin was still in the lead with Mark Martin in 2nd. The first 10 cars had pretty much spread out and we were getting shots of 2-3 cars at a whack. One of the predictable and aggravating things about the race was the Commentating Colons talking about a driver and they would cut to the bumper cam of that driver’s car or one near that driver. I think we saw about half the race from the bumper cam. Then it was off to commercial again on Lap 34. After all, what’s more important? The race or the commercials?
When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 40, not much had changed. Hamlin was lapping folks. Jabber Jaws was wearing his cheerleading outfit complete with pompoms going on about the Hendrick and Gibbs cars and drivers. There was almost a cry from Jabber Jaws when Hamlin got near Jeff Gordon and was about to lap him. When Hamlin did lap him, we had seen not so much of Denny’s car, but of Jeff’s car. But then, this is all per HRH Faux King Brian’s Daytona Dictates regarding coverage of JGR, Jr., Hendrick Motorsports, and Montoya. On Lap 49, they finally decided to show us another car and it was Jr. running in 11th. Jr. passed Montoya for 10th and then they cut to Truex and Kahne racing for 3rd. On Lap 54, it was time for the JJ show with the usual cheerleading for another of the Hendrick drivers. Uh, fellows. There are 43 drivers out there and 43 cars. How about talking about a few of them? Lap 56 had Kahne getting by Truex and finally getting 3rd. So far, Fox had done an excellent job of not showing the grandstands. Even the blimp shots were tight on the cars or far enough away that you didn’t show much of the grandstands or any details. Then it was off to commercial on Lap 56.
When they rudely interrupted the commercials on Lap 64, we had Caution #1. Johnny Sauter had a blown right front tire. Of course, as we’ve seen in the past, Larry Mac was quick to offer up the excuse that it was the tire bead and heavy braking on the short tracks and not the tire that was bad. All the lead lap cars pitted and it wasn’t much of a race off of pit road. Hamlin and Martin got off 1st and 2nd. Vickers got the free pass to get back on the lead lap. Since we had seen some excitement and pit stops, it was back to commercials.
When the commercials were interrupted on Lap 73, Hamlin was still leading and the Commentating Clowns had turned the broadcast into a Kyle Busch Love Fest. Once that concluded, it went into the Jr. Love Fest, cutting to the car ahead of him so we could get a look at his hood from a bumper cam. Then it was off to a solo shot of Jeff Gordon’s Chevy on Lap 84. By Lap 89, Elliott Sadler’s Dodge had slid back to 17th.Since we had seen a couple of cars racing during the course of the different Fox Love Fests, it was time to return to regularly scheduled commercials on Lap 90.
Here it is, May, and they’re running commercials for the Firecracker 400 in July. If last year was any indication, they won’t have a sell-out yet again this year. When they came back from commercials, we had a graphic for JGR staring us in the face then we had another dose of cheerleading for the JGR drivers. Mr. Happy's Chevy had moved up to 4th which would lead to a RCR graphic on Lap 105 while they showed Jeff Burton’s Chevy. Then they spent the next 5 laps giving us another Hendrick Love Fest. They were showing us JJ’s car but talking about Ragan. The least they could do was get the two in synch. Then it was once again time for commercials.
When they interrupted the commercials, it was time for a Race Fake and the blabbering from the Hollyweird Motel. My buddy and I were looking at the clock and were thinking this race was going way too fast and that it would be subject to some manipulation in the form of Ms Terry DeBris. When they finally let us see some more racing, JJ had bumped Gilliland and was showing signs of a tire rub from smoke coming from the left front. Denny Hamlin was still holding the front position and we had 27 cars on the lead lap. Denny was getting close to lapping JJ and suddenly, we had a debris caution, in which there was actually a piece of debris. All the lead lap cars headed off to the pits and then it was a return to commercials. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 132, Hamlin was still in the lead. Things were still sorting themselves out from the restart when on Lap 136, McDowell in his Double Nothing car sent Brian Vickers up the track. Luckily Vickers didn’t hit the wall and no caution came out.
On Lap 138, Jeffy and the Double Nothing car were struggling to be the 1st car a lap down. Then on Lap 139, we got Caution #3 when Montoya spun by himself. Of course, Jabber Jaws had to make a pre-emptive strike saying that his tire went down after he spun and hit the wall. After all, Badyear doesn’t make bad tires. It’s the teams who do bad things to them. I’m not quite sure what the reason was for it, but they showed one of their lead-in ad plugs then showed a replay of Tony Stewart’s previous pit stop where he collected his jackman as a hood ornament. Luckily he wasn’t injured and neither was the jackman. Instead of showing us some more of what was happening, we got a Snake Farm Safety Retort talking once again about the cool box, which had been covered just recently. I guess the short attention span crowd needs to be reminded of it. Then we got a dose of Larry Mac complete in his cheerleading skirt and pompoms cheering for JJ. When they restarted on Lap 146, it was Denny still leading, Mark Martin in 2nd, and Mr. Happy in 3rd, Shrub in 4th, and Jr. in 5th. Then we got a battle of the gadget cams. We were looking from Jr’s bumper cam at Kyle Busch’s car, then went to an outside shot of Shrub, Mr. Happy, and Jr. then back to Jr’s in-car cam. On Lap 150, we got a shot of Cousin Carl and Newman, then on Lap 153, Jr. slid sideways coming off the corner and we got shown a replay from the in-car camera. Since we had a small dose of some excitement, it was time to once again return to commercial programming on Lap 155.
When they returned on Lap 165, nothing much had changed. Denny was still leading the field. On Lap 168, they tossed up a “Cars to Watch” graphic which took up about half the screen. I’m sure everyone enjoys having half their screen blocked. One observation I had made earlier was that every time somebody got near Jr. Fox would go out of their way to cut to his bumper cam or the bumper cam of a car near him. Then we got another Love Fest with Jabber Jaws flapping his gums about his favorite make of car for 4 laps. So since they assumed we got to see some racing even though most of what we saw were car hoods, it was time to go back to commercial on Lap 175.
When they came back on Lap 181, they were showing a shot from the blimp down on the track that avoided the grandstands. Nothing much had changed while they were away at commercial. Denny was still leading, Mark was still in 2nd, Shrub was in 3rd, Jr. in 4th, and Truex Jr. was in 5th. On Lap 183, they cut to the announcing booth to show us Mafia Mike. He blubbered on about the TV awards the Foxed up coverage was getting and made a pitch for the upcoming annual charity day. It’s rather odd that they say lots of companies allow their employees to wear racing gear at work that day, but never really mention the companies, other than sponsors, who allow that to happen or specific numbers of fans who participate. They also never really give an accounting of just where all the money goes. While this was going on, they finally went to a split screen to show some racing. On Lap 191, we had Newman and Jeffy trying to figure out who was 15th. At this point, Dr. Dick said “Gordon’s storming to the front”. Storming? The co-owner of Motormouth Motorsports bounced off the wall but they didn’t bother showing it, just gave it a passing mention.
On Lap 195, Larry Mac was making the official excuses for impound races. The next lap, Montoya’s left front tire was smoking from a tire rub. Lap 199, we got to see Mark Martin and the Shrub going back and forth for 2nd. So, since we had seen a smattering of racing, it was time to return again to commercial programming. When they returned on Lap 205, Caution #4 had come out. Ragan Smith and Allmendinger had been banging into each other and Allmendinger spun. Funny we had a spin like that earlier that didn’t bring out a caution. That fact that Hamlin was once again about ready to lap JJ wouldn’t have anything to do with it being a caution this time. So since it was under caution, it was time again for another plethora of commercials.
When they returned on Lap 212, they had missed the restart. This is becoming a habit with the Foxed up coverage. Hamlin had led the most laps, so he got the 5 extra bonus points for that. On Lap 217, we got to see the 10, 20, 96, and 9 on the track running in formation and from the booth we got some more Hendrick cheerleading. Then on Lap 223, Paul Menard moved up the track into Brian Vickers and Menard got turned into the wall which brought out Caution #5. And as with most cautions, it was time again for another bounty of commercials. When they returned, it was time again for another Face Rake from the Hollyweird Motel and some more cheerleading for Hendrick Motorsports. I squid because I bear. When they restarted on Lap 227, you could tell Shrub was wanting the lead badly as he slid in the turn trying to catch Denny on the restart. But Denny was able to keep Shrub behind him. The next lap, once again we got the professional shilling of Larry Mac for the fuel and tire providers. Wouldn’t it be nice if they made a full disclosure about the shilling before the race even started?
We wouldn’t get very far when on Lap 230, Caution #6 came out for a wreck in Turn #2. Cousin Carl got into JJ Yeley on the outside, then Carpentier went on the inside and they ended up collecting about 10 cars in the melee. The 2, 17, 31, 38, 00, 70, 48, 10, 96, and 42 were all damaged to some degree in the wreck. This brought out a red flag for the clean-up. During the red flag, we got to see at least 12 different replays of the wreck from different angles. The fist 6 were OK, but started getting boring after that. Then we got some shilling for the Goofycam shirts. I thought old Jabber Jaws was going to need to change his breeches after he got done talking with the Shrub on the radio. Then we got a few crew chief interviews and some shots of a few of the crew chiefs on their boxes. They interviewed Carpentier after he came out of the infield care center and got one with Kurt Busch in his street clothes. But as many drivers as had been involved, you’d have though they’d have tried to bother more of them.
In order to fill some more time, they went to the cut-away car and we got a shill for the impact foam manufacturer. Then a report of voltage problems on the 20 car because of an alternator going bad. Then Jabber Jaws mentioned that Suitcase Jake was under the weather and what a legend he was in the sport. Mike Joy gave an explanation of what the “M” on the hood of the Speed Racer car was for. It was the first real mention of the 43 car and Bobby Labonte. But remember, it’s the movie that’s important, not Bobby or his car. Then they finally got things cleaned up enough to bring the yellow flag out and restart the cars. Once they started rolling, we got some full blown cheerleading for Jr. and Tony. You could hear them doing cartwheels in the booth as they were cheerleading. Since we had too much excitement from all the filler material during the red flag, they had to go to commercial.
When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 237, they had missed the restart. On Lap 240, McMurray had made his way into the Top 10 and we got some more cheerleading from Jabber Jaws for Jeffy. On Lap 251, they were talking about Stewart and went to his bumper cam. Two laps later, Montoya returned to the track and got mentioned. On the next lap, Hamlin had put some distance between himself and Mark Martin. Lap 256 brought about another Kyle Busch Love Fest complete with bells on their toes and tambourines jingling. Then we got to see Jr. and Jeffy racing and we got another dose of Hendrick cheerleading and comments about the two of them working things out since Talladega. So, since we had seen a couple of cars racing, it was time yet again for another boon of commercials and a pitch for the race at Michigan. Remember, it’s your speedway.
When they returned from commercial, we had Caution #7 come out. Heavens knows we can’t interrupt the commercials for something that borders on excitement. The Double Nothing and Allmendinger had gotten together and the Double Nothing looked a lot worse for wear. Once they restarted on Lap 267, it was the blessed relief of Crank It Up. No cheerleading, no shilling, just pure racing sound. They ruined it when on Lap 271, they started blabbering about Martin and Jr. going at it for 3rd. Plus a comment about the 8 being Jr's former car. On Lap 276, Gordon and Stewart were going at it and we had to get a shot from Mr. Happy’s bumper cam. Hamlin had put some distance between himself and the Shrub. Then we heard about a battle between Cousin Carl and Casey Mears and we got yet another bumper cam shot. Every time there was a “battle”, here comes the bumper cam. Then on Lap 272, we got a JGR graphic, then it was into that damnable “Gag DW Boys” song for at least half a lap before they went into commercial.
When they interrupted the commercials (how dare they), instead of showing what was happening on the track, they showed a banner in the 44 pit about the Kentucky Derby winner. Apparently The Beak wasn’t doing much because they went to a shot of his car owner. Then we got a 3 car shot in which Dave Blaney wasn’t even mentioned although he was in the middle of it. Matt Kenseth returned to the track, but since he’s not in the Diversity Program or covered by King Brian’s Daytona Coverage Dictates, he wasn’t mentioned. Then we got a look back at Truex Jr’s car from the 07. On Lap 299, they finally mentioned Blaney in passing because that 3 car battle had resolved itself. On Lap 300, somebody messed up because the shot was far enough back that some empty seats were shown. As soon as they realized it, they immediately cut to a close-up of Hamlin and Shrub‘s cars. And since we had Jabber Jaws favorite car make running 1-2, we got full blown, pompom shaking, cart wheeling across the announcing booth, shaking the hips back and forth cheerleading from Jabber Jaws and his parrot Larry Mac. But this was suddenly interrupted when they had a shot of Jeffy’s car and the nose of it saying there damage to the nose. Looking at it on TV, it looked like some tape had come off the nose and he had a piece of plastic wrap caught up in the radiator opening. Meanwhile, Hamlin had been slowed down by lapped traffic and Shrub had caught up with him. Since we got a full load of cheerleading, shilling, and maybe a lap of actual race coverage, it was time again for more commercials.
While at commercial, I had to wonder why they dyed Kahne’s hair black for the Bud commercial. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 325, Hamlin was still leading and Shrub was in second. Bobby Labonte had moved up to 15th. Then we got another dose of cheerleading for JGR from the Commentating Clowns. On Lap 329, Jabber Jaws started criticizing Hamlin’s driving style. Funny, it seemed to be OK for 329 laps there Jabber Jaws since he had led all but one lap. Then we got 4 laps of cheerleading and moaning and groaning from Jabber Jaws for Jr. For some strange reason they did a split screen with the Hollyweird Motel which really was irritating and detracted from the little bit of racing we were seeing. Lap 336, they decided we needed to see some crew chiefs instead of the cars. Four laps later, we had a mini Shrub Love Fest. The next lap, they were sure to show us JJ going back on the track with his car missing a lot of front end sheet metal. By this time, I had pretty much figured out that if there wasn’t a Hendrick car or a Japanese car in the shot, they weren’t going to bother showing it.
Well, they decided to show the co-owner of Motormouth Motorsports on the track as he was being passed by Casey Mears. Unfortunately for Casey, he wasn’t clear when he tried moving over and got into the front end of the co-owner of Motormouth Motorsports Shill-mobile and wrecked them both. That should’ve been enough there and brought out Caution #8, which it did, but somebody had a temper tantrum and had to use their car as a battering ram to push Casey’s car down the track. This cost the driver of the Shill-mobile a 145 lap time out. It was really amazing at how quiet Jabber Jaws and his parrot were when they did a replay of the Shill-mobile pushing Casey’s car down the track. We got some pit stops and then off to commercial since we had seen a wreck and some excitement. When they interrupted the commercials on Lap 359, we wouldn’t get very far before we had yet another caution. This one was for Jamie McMurray as he bent up his car. They restarted on Lap 370 and once again Hamlin pulled away from the rest like the leader seems to do in the Uni-Car races. There were 17 cars on the lead lap. Shrub was still in 2nd and Jr. was in 3rd. On the next lap, when Jr. got by Shrub, we not only got some passionate moaning out of the announcing booth, but we got yet another bumper cam shot from Jr’s car.
On Lap 376, they finally backed out the shot enough to show the interval between 1st and 2nd. The next lap, Shrub was trying to get back by Jr. by going low through the corners while Jr. was going high keeping his momentum. Then on Lap 380, you’d have thought Jabber Jaws had lost his favorite pompom when he said that Hamlin may have a flat tire and Shrub and Jr. had caught him. Then we got the great contradiction between Jabber Jaws and his parrot about whether or not Hamlin should pit and lose track position and risk going a lap down. Lap 382, Hamlin, Shrub, and Jr. went 3 wide through the corner. Jr. got the lead and you could hear Jabber Jaws ecstatic moans. Hello? Room Service? Could you please change the sheets in the Announcing Booth please? Denny was advancing to the rear while his tire continued to go down. Then reversing his previous position, Jabber Jaws said Hamlin needed to pit before his tire blows. Lap 388, Sorenson bounced off the wall, but that wasn’t cause for a caution unlike earlier cars bouncing off the wall the same way. No Chosen Ones were in danger of being lapped. Then on Lap 390, Hamlin’s tire finally blew and he stopped on the track bringing out Caution #10. I’m not sure why Denny stopped, but once he started rolling again to get to the pits, he got a 2 lap penalty for intentionally stopping.
The first 6 cars decided to stay out on the track. The rest of the lead lap cars pitted. Then it was time again to have a single file restart with 5 laps to go. When they restarted, Shrub spun his tires which let Jr. get a decent jump on him. With 4 laps to go, Shrub caught up to Jr. Then going through the turn, Jr. moved down and Shrub moved up and caught Jr. in the side spinning him. It looked identical to what Shrub had done to Johnny Benson in a Truck race. To immediately put some damage control on it, Jabber Jaws and his parrot started spinning a tale that makes the Brothers Grimm look like hacks. After all, we can’t have one of Jabber
Jaws favorites looking bad now can we? They
gave us a replay which showed fans shaking
their fist at Shrub. Of course, we didn’t see how
many pit stops Jr. had to make for repairs and
changing tires and drawers, but they ran 10 laps
under caution before we got to the GWC finish.
You had to wonder if Mr. Magoo and his
officiating crew were trying to affect the race by
making lead lap cars run out of fuel before the
GWC finish.
We got even more excuses being made about
Shrub, another unnecessary visit from the
Hollyweird Motel, and Jabber Jaws saying he
was trying to figure out how he could get out of
the track unscathed and that Shrub was going to be in a similar predicament. When they finally restarted, Bowyer pulled away and Mark Martin caught Shrub, but when they crossed the finish line, Bowyer got the win, Shrub finished 2nd, and Martin 3rd. We got a shot of Bowyer’s dad who is his spotter. When the cars were on pit road afterwards, we got to see Shrub and one of Jr’s crewmembers in a somewhat heated discussion and I don’t think it was about landscaping. Then we went off to commercial. When they came back, Bowyer was in Victory Lane and once again they had a good, tight shot of the winner which didn’t allow the caught-in-the-headlights Sprint girl to be in camera range.
During the post race interviews, Busch said the deal between him and Jr. was a racing deal. The Hollyweird Motel had to jump in and second guessed everything. Then we got an interview with Jr. Jr. said he’d have to see the tapes to see if it was a racing deal or what. But here’s where things got interesting. During the post race interview, Jr. said 'Whether it is fair or not, he [Busch] is going to need some security from us all'. When the official NA$CAR web site reported it, it came out as 'Whether it is fair or not, he [Busch] is going to need some security'. So why the change? Why are they trying to use spin and censoring the statement? You have to wonder.
Next week, it’s off to one of the few remaining original tracks left on the circuit, Darlington, for a night race. It should be interesting as they were running 200 mph there during the tire tests. But you can bet that something will change with the tires to slow them down. They’ll probably bring the tires they ran at Charlotte a couple years ago that blew out at the drop of a hat to keep them from running too fast.
And to our friend Jim over in Iraq, thanks for doing what you’re doing there in keeping the troops taken care of and a Happy Birthday to you.
For all of you military either active or retired, don't forget about
Motherhood, Apple Pie, and John Wayne
Mad Mikie
Curmudgeon at Large
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