harmonies. But the lack of respect for the flag and National Anthem along pit road seems to be getting worse race by race.
As this was the last race for Foxed up coverage, the Hollyweird Motel had to get in their final digs before the season was over with some strange questions for the drivers. I did find out that Tony Stewart and I have something in common, I’ve been to where Jr. wants to go, and I think Cousin Carl needs to go watch some races on ESPN Classic to see what real announcers are like.
One of the glaring mistakes that popped out was about Bobby Allison. Bobby Allison never won a Sprint Cup race in his life. He won quite a few Winston Cup races, but never a Sprint Cup race. And he definitely never won 7 Sprint Cup races at Dover. He did however win 7 Winston Cup races there.
Biffle qualified on the pole and Jeremy Mayfield had a pretty decent qualifying effort in the #40 car. It was good to see him back on the track, even if it is just a one or two race deal while Franchitti is healing. Robby Gordon had to start from the back of the pack as Matt Crafton qualified Robby’s car while he was racing in Baja. Robby’s teammate got a win and in a déjà vu moment, Robby once again had his hubs break taking him out.
Once the green flag dropped, Greg Biffle pulled away as is normal for the pole winner in the Uni-Car. What was amazing was the silence from the Commentating Clowns. We also got to see plenty of empty seats, including those covered by advertising banners. Sort of hard for Fox not to show them with the design of the track being what it is. Biffle kept adding onto his lead while JJ Yeley scrubbed the wall, but didn’t bring out a caution. On Lap 7, Jabber Jaws favorite parrot squawked “We’ll be paying close attention to this car (#24) today” while they showed it. Of course you will, it’s a Hendrick car, which has to be covered under Faux King Brian’s Daytona Dictates. By Lap 8, Biffle had a 2 second lead over 2nd place.
By Lap 11, you could hear the cheerleading skirts and pompoms shaking in the announcing booth for Shrub and the Japanese manufacturer. The camera cut to the 83 & 26 cars, got to show off that Japanese car don‘t you know, and then the 24 & 2 and then went to the bumper cam on the 24. Then they went to the 84 car while jabbering away about Biffle and finally showed a picture of the 16 car. By Lap 15, Biffle was still leading, Johnson was in 2nd, Shrub was in 3rd, Ears was in 4th, and Jeffy was in 5th. Then it happened. Depending on who you were listening to, somewhere between Lap 17-19, Elliott Sadler spun and collected at least 10 cars. From the multiple replays that were shown, it looked like Sadler came down on Gilliland and got turned which caused him to collect the rest of the cars. On another replay, you could hear the spotter telling Sadler he was clear and then saying “inside” about the time Sadler got turned. And since we got to see some racing and wrecking, it was time for commercials.
When they interrupted the commercials, the race had been red flagged for the clean-up and we got a few driver interviews. Hamlin, who plowed headlong into Sadler, said “the cars don’t stop as well as they have in the past”. Are you saying the Uni-Car has a braking problem Denny? Tony was interviewed and in typical Tony manner he blamed himself for wrecking the car because he was within half a lap of Sadler. Got to love the sarcasm. Then we got an interview with Sadler where he admitted to making a mistake. Good thing he just signed that contract extension. Then it was a return to commercials.
Once again, they interrupted the commercials to show us Jr.‘s car in the garage with crewmembers checking it over, we got yet another replay of the wreck, then back to Jr.’s car again, a wreck graphic showing who all was involved, then Hambone joined the melee with a safety report in which they showed the Double Nothing car crashing at Texas. Then it was back to Jr.’s car once again, then some in-car shots of the 24, then the 17, then back to the 24 as Jabber Jaws was flapping his gums about how Hendrick developed the carbon graphite seat and how they cost $10,500 versus the $500 he use to pay for his seats. Then off to the Hollyweird Motel for a Brace Rake, some inane babbling from Myers the Moronic, and a “if the race ended now” points graphic. Then it was back to Jr.’s car and then to the spotters. When the track was finally cleaned up enough to go to yellow, you could hear some heavy breathing and moaning and groaning as Jabber Jaws was talking to his boy toy on the radio who he kept calling “Buddy”. Must be some secret code. I thought his name was Kyle. But Shrub did say one thing that sort of tied in with what Hamlin said in his post wreck interview about the Uni-Car. It was “It’s a product of what we’re driving today”.
Finally, the cars started making pit stops. When they came off pit road, it was Biffle still leading, Shrub 2nd, Ears 3rd, Newman 4th, and Kvapil 5th. Since we had some cars moving around and making pit stops, it was time to resume commercial programming on Lap 23. When they returned on Lap 25, I think that was a record for Fox, there were 36 cars on the lead lap and we had a single file restart on Lap 27. We were informed that Jr.’s car was back on the track and were shown it. After all, it’s a Hendrick car and Jr.‘s driving it and must be shown per King Brian’s orders. On Lap 28, we got an interview with Mr. Happy in the garage area about his car, the wreck and him returning to the race. On the next lap, we got to see Cousin Carl go by Ears to take over 4th. Two laps later, it was back to the garage area where we got to see car owner Richard Childress beating and banging on some metal and then an in-car from Jr.’s car when we were informed that he was 10 laps down. Funny how the next time we got to see the grandstands, there were a lot more empty seats there.
Lap 32 showed us Kenseth getting by Wallbangdinger for 13th. Then the next lap, we got to see Johnson go by Blaney for 6th. They spent a lot of time showing the Hendrick car and Japanese manufacturer cars. Just like what was mandated in Daytona. On Lap 35, they cut to the 24 and 83 and then cut to the bumper cam of the 83 to show us the 24. Another great shot of the Hendrick car and Japanese manufacturers car per the Daytona Dictates. While this was going on, you could hear the Booth Buffoons doing cartwheels and handsprings while cheerleading for Jeffy. Then on Lap39, we got a graphic for the Roush cars and then started in idiotic Fox report card in which they were giving grades to certain teams.
On Lap 41, somebody decided to throw up some graphics for some upcoming baseball games which will received Foxed up coverage and this was going on while showing Kenseth and McMurray racing nose to tail. On Lap 43, we got to see Biffle going across the start/finish line. Since we had seen what was supposed to be racing, had some cheerleading, and mandated story coverage, it was time to resume the commercials.
No the Bud guy doesn’t make house calls. Not unless you’re wearing a certain type of pumps and a satin dress. When the commercials were interrupted by some pesky racing, it was Lap 50. We got to see Biffle catching some slow cars and then we got a replay of last year’s race and it turned out to be a plug for Ford. On Lap 52, while we were getting a shot from Kenseth’s roof cam, Jabber Jaws was going on about turning up high. I think he was turning up high all season. Two laps later, Lap 54, we got to see Cousin Carl pass Ears for 3rd place. On Lap 57, we got to see Ears sliding around on the track as he came out of one of the turns. The next lap, it was time for another graphic, the Biggest Movers graphic. Not missing a opportunity, Jabber Jaws started into cheerleading for the Shill-mobile and we were shown it until a car was starting to pass it and then it was back to Biffle who was still leading. Nobody had really mentioned anything about Robby Gordon, but Robby had moved up to 26th by Lap 61. Not bad for starting from last. Since we had been “delighted and entertained” with shilling and cheerleading with some shots of cars on the track, it was time to resume commercial programming.
The ad for Memphis Motorsports Park was pretty old as it showed the Ultra Motorsports trucks in the color schemes from when I got to play with them back in 2000. When they interrupted the commercials, the race was once again under caution. Tony Raines had stopped on the track because he had missed the entrance to pit road. In doing so, he received a two lap penalty and an explanation from Jabber Jaws official parrot in the booth. Kasey Kahne got the free pass and then it was back to commercials.
When they returned, it was showing an in-car from Jr.’s car. They finally restarted on Lap 73 with 30 cars on the lead lap. During the pit stops, Hornish exited too fast and was penalized. Since we had lapped cars on the track, it was a double file restart and one of the few blessed moments of the race. The “Crank It Up”. One thing I noticed during this was the sound of the tires as they ran over the Goofycam. That couldn’t be too healthy for the tires. Maybe that’s why we didn’t get to see a single cut tire during the race. We wouldn’t want Fox to look bad or have complaints from the teams about their tires being cut by some goofy gimmick to help try to boost ratings. All good things come to an end and the Booth Buffoons started yammering again.
On Lap 75, Front Row Joe got hit by the Shill-mobile and in turn hit the wall. This prompted a replay and more commercials. When they rudely interrupted the commercials, it was Lap 79 and they got back just in time for the restart. The next lap, we were given the mandatory showing of the Diversity Program driver during a replay when he was bumped by Gilliland. Then we got two full laps of the Diversity Program driver and some of the Japanese Manufacturers cars being shown. We got a mention of Cousin Carl moving up to 4th, but didn’t get to see it since it wasn’t mandated. On Lap 85, we got to see Kenseth’s car from the bumper cam of Ears car. While this was going on, Jabber Jaws parrot was jabbering on about rotating, but not the type he does where he sits on it and rotates. Biffle was still leading, but not by the 2 seconds he had earlier. Lap 89, we got to see Cousin Carl pass Shrub for 2nd. Lap 94, we got an in-car once again from Jr.’s car with a graphic showing he was 10 laps down. The next lap was the JGR Report Card. You could hear moaning, groaning, sighing, and somebody asking for a cigarette and clean sheets when they got done with that one. Lap 96 gave us yet another JGR graphic along with the continuous cheerleading and a call for Viagra to the booth. Since the Commentating Clowns were temporarily spent, it was time for them to recoup during the commercials.
When they returned, it was Lap 103 and time for another Face Rake from the Hollyweird Motel. On Lap 109, we got to see Mr. Happy back on the track driving something that resembled a modified from all the missing sheet metal. Once again, we got another gimmick shot of Truex’s hood and grill from a bumper cam on Jeff Burton‘s car while the Commentating Colons were blabbering about Burton. It would continue on like this the entire race. Shills for the Goofy cam, shills for the tires and gas, graphics detracting from the race, cautions while at commercials, and on and on and on. The cheerleading for the Hendrick cars went on unabated, as did the cheerleading and obligatory shots of the Japanese manufacturers cars, several calls for more cigarettes, Viagra, fresh underwear, and clean sheets, and an appearance by Ms Terry Debris for Caution #5 in Turn 2. To go on through to the final lap would be unbearable and tiresome. 13 pages of notes for a race which really wasn’t a barn burner. The best parts of the race, outside of the wreck on Lap 17 or 18, was the sounds of the cars during the Crank it Up segments and how quiet the Commentating Clowns were when Biffle kept the lead off of the restarts.
There was some drama when Biffle had some
electrical problems on Lap 176,a cut tire and
broken shock on the 07 on Lap 219, a restart on
Lap 247 that looked like Shrub got an early start,
a great quote by Dick May, a Hendrick Report
Card and Love Fest, A Childress Report card,
Hambone blabbering about good guys and bad
guys, 6 cars finishing on the lead lap, then
closing out by showing all the cameramen
around the track, various Fox staffers, and fans
booing Shrub in Victory Lane. To give Fox a
grade on a report card, it would have to be an F+.
The + is for the few times they kept their mouths
shut and weren’t shilling or cheerleading. Now we
head into 6 weeks of shameless promotion for TNT and asinine commentary from the TNT Broadcast Bozos while we might be lucky to see a lap of racing here and there. Providing it’s not blocked out by some TNT graphic promoting their fall line up.
And to the folks of the Coast Guard Cutter Dallas, which is deploying on a long cruise to the Mediterranean, West Africa, and the Black Sea, our thanks for being ambassadors of good will.
"Click Here to sign up for Elliott Sadler's Neighborhood BBQ Sweepstakes"
Motherhood, Apple Pie, and John Wayne
Mad Mikie
Curmudgeon at Large
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